I feel confused and saddened and seem to be incapable of finding certainty. The last couple of days i spend most of my time entertaining myself with computergames such as windows patience and minesweeper (not having any better games i can enjoy). I discarded my cd-keys for Diablo II & Warcraft III as they were too tempting and not good for me, burning in my lap.

I am still incapable of finding any group that i believe i can grow in to become happy. No group at all. No place to go, no place to run to. No place on earth below heaven.

Today i went cycling to some place to solicit for a job prescription for income. It was freezing or it had frozen outside (snow everywhere) and as usual i didn't take my coat with me. While cycling around i got around 3 remarks from other cyclists, "don't you get cold?". Someone called me a Mongol in dutch or in contemporary english, retard. I didn't comb my hair, but i was covering my head to my ears because of the cold so that couldn't have been the reason. I honestly start sweating in a coat with this weather, atleast without a coat i stay fresh. I feel saddened by the way things are going and developing. So much hate & apathy. A godforsaken world fer sure.

What do i need to find happyness now, a perfect goal in life?suppose i already know that. I think i have most of it tied up for this life. Preaching the good news boldly, openly & humbly. But i am finding difficulties in perfecting my ability to preach. Foremost, i don't have experience preaching much anything. Second, i don't know if i have the truth and if what i will preach is the truth or lifesaving.

If i want to wholewheartedly start to preach (do my goal in life) i will have to do it on my own somehow and it may include becoming homeless just to be effective. Or it may include moving away from everyone i know and sustaining myself on the wage of a mailmen (or some other sorts of low-income job i can do). Take into account that i do not and will never accept doing to others as i dont want them to do to me. That means i won't go on some money making way that puts me on top of a home-made pyramid with affliates as my subjects. And beside that point, i don't think we have enough time to put that kind of thing up to be profitable. There is a money making kwide at there that simply puts it this way, do not become affliates of another or promote other peoples products because you will be their slave. Then it goes on to say "But this is what you must do to them". That honestly turned my stomach upside down and it put many miles between the author and myself.

Hear now i posted a thread on a board of supposed godfearing ex-JWs
subject: Want to witness somehow

Hello everyone,Just to explain my own situation. I am
not grown up a witness or according to any other religious faith (if you exempt Capitalism & Civilization in this case). I am reducing my JW cong attendance as i can't find the trooth with them either. I don't think preaching in JW's is good for me. That is because of one hypothetical question situation where a subject asks me if have confidence in Jehovahs Witnesses and if not why i am
with them."Well..." an imaginary JW could say "sharing the hope of God's heavenly kingdom for example". But i don't find this important to faith at all or anything else important.
There are 3 dimensions in my mind, the now, the future and the after-this-life. We dont need to care about the afterlife because whatever it is we can be certain that our omnipotent father can come up with a statisfactory solution to that (after all, if you don't have confidence his
resolve is good & perfect, what faith do you have? What faith, if you dont have confidence his purpose or his works are perfect?). Beside that, Jesus told us we shouldn't love our lives because we will loose it and that if we loose it
for him we will have it. "forget about life altogether" is what i think and in addition i have a distaste for doctrines about afterlife.

I set a really high standard for people & groups i can accept. Simply put: zealous unspoiled God-fearing vegans.

If i want to preach the first thing i will have to do is to go out there alone for the first time in my life ever and for the 2nd or 3rd time in my life ringing someones doorbell. I'll be out there, on my own (if you exempt Jehovah, The Holy spirit, Jesus and the angels in this case). Another problem with going out there is my own motivation, which i can't figure out. Am i doing it for myself, for God or for both? If i do it for myself its already lost a longtime ago but if i don't, how would i tell?

I have yet to make up my
mind about how i should live when i preach, is it practical to preach fulltime, be officially homeless & take a sleeping bag with you to sleep with wheover doesn't bounce your peace? Too radical?
Thats what they said of Jesus, to. Please don't take offense in unorthodox ideas, but i won't excuse you for ignoring stupidity.

Is this comprehensive enough?

It may be reasonable to fly over to the Hunza Valley to contact and communicate with primite hunzas (that do not live in the grocery store economy) considdering that any other kind of contact will probably be very slow and inefficient. But i will will explore that better later.
I am also looking into islam culture in general and ismaili islam which is the major religion of the hunza valley.

Among other things, i have been looking around for biblical arguments (and non-biblical) arguments for being vegan. So far i would imagine that Jesus would not become a butcher (if he didn't have a messianic call) neither advise anyone to become one.
The major arguments against eating meat & diary (in our modern western civilization) are

1. Cattle growing is very inefficïent, you need to feed cattle at least 10 times their weight in food. This food is much better spend feeding the impoverished.
2. We certainly do not need this much meat & diary every day. We do not need such a lot of meat, never before in history have healthy people eaten as much meat (& diary) as western people do
3. Factory Farming is directly responsible for the destruction of our enviroment, the burning of our forests. The amazon is burned to grow soy to feed to cattle, for example. (about 95% of produced soy goes to cattle by the way, only 5% to other soy products like soy milk & tofu. So the burning of forests is hardly a reason not to use soy products.)
4. Most factory animals live unhealthy lives in very a very stressing and unnatural enviroment.
5. Factory animals are given unnatural amounts of hormones & antibiotics. Traces of antibiotics get into humans via the meat. This way, the factory farms and humans themselves have become breeding grounds for resistant strains of dangerous germs (that is, dangerous to "civilized" people).
6. The way food is grown for cattle depletes minerals from the soil, causing soil degredation.

The statement that the earth is overpopulated comes from the assumption that everyone at that point has a western dïet, which just shows how badly our eating habits are causing so much poverty.

What would Jesus do/eat?

ps. How many animals are killed to feed your pets each year?

Hello everything, (this reads as a diary entry and probably is a litle messy, too)

It turns out that i talked to my Mentor at school because i had not shown up at work (to get work experience to finish my study) this year and i frankly told him why i didn't appear at work. (i didn't tell him altough i presumed he could conclude that by himself) i had been studying/researching topics like factory farming, the hunzas & wholesome living related topics and playing an occasional game while i was supposed to be at work. I took an example of my looking into the squatting position on the toilet (which you can look into at the links forum) as an example of why i believe i cannot grow up to be happy in our western (civilization). I further explained that i cannot envision that my education will help me in a life in a society in which i can be happy (which is not the western civlization). I did not see the use of going to this work (research into the gutflora of Crohns Disease patients) because it seemed pointless to me. He then asked me what alternatives i have, so i said that perhaps it would be an idea to move to a more primitive society like the hunza valley/people. Meanwhile i had gotten upset and started crying which i suppose is natural.

He asked me who knew about these things and i exclaimed that no offline person knew about it, not my therapist, my parents or anyone else. He offered to call my dad (who works in the same building) to explain the situation to him. So my dad came and we the 2 of us explained the situation, that i am seriously considdering discontinuing my education and moving far away because i frankly don't want to live around here. Now my dad and i talked some and i as usual have a very hard time explaining myself, to word my thoughts in understandable terms and to explain my choices but it worked out fine. I recently did some more research into the Hunzas and i read that some go to high school & speak english. I wonder if these english speaking Hunzas live in a grocery store economy. I am trying to find out, but i am finding it difficult.

I had even told some lies to my parents to get them off my back because they were asking me why i didn't go to work, i felt threatened and now i feel hurt because of my own lies. (Up to so far it seems i was not neceserry to feel threatened)

I am moved to reconsidder my motives, i thought my main prioritys were God & The Christ and that somehow i might be giving them up if i "saved myself" by jumping overboard to a (thought to be) "sanctuary". I catch myself making up excuses like that "these people" cannot be saved. On the other side i am afraid that "poisons" of this civilization will kill me (in a non-physical sense) and perhaps physicly if doomsday scenarios like armageddon turn out to become true within years.

If you are wondering what i will do with JW's, i intend on cutting contact with them either in 2 steps or at once. I predict i will see them back at my door, ecpecially the 2 JW's conducting my bible study. I am kind of afraid they might agitate my bible based conscience, that they might somehow find a loophole in my subroutines that will force me to think about if i am doing this for God or not. A question i am afraid of asking to myself. I do have an answer but i dont know if i could say it in the face of God.

My sister kind of scoffed a litle at the idea of emigrating to a country like Pakistan (where the Hunza Valley lies). At first my parents did too (for a split second), it seems they took it seriously and considderatly afterwards.

My mentor told me that perhaps i am dreaming of something and badly wanting it to be true (something along these lines) as much that it may distort my views in such a way that i may be doing damage to my future. I frankly believe i cannot know this because if it is true then i am distorting my own view to the point of doing it. If it is false, how would i tell it is?I have a lot of confidence in other peoples generousity in helping others atleast if i am willing to adapt to what they think is best (which i assume i am) and i have a lot of confidence that the poisons that i see or hallucinate are not destroying their love & their empathy (assuming they'v got that to begin with).
But i do have to make contact to see if the Hunza or a Hunza would be willing to help me. I am trying to find out how to contact them. I may have to do something i have never done before and ask my parents what they know about it. Midday tomorrow is also the day i must make up my mind about wether i should continue my education before my mentor.

goodnight everything, Sander Buruma

ps. Im not getting too deep for you people, right?

Physicly and mentally i feel good. I don't know about my psychological state. I am supposed to start working again tomorrow and but i don't feel like coming back at all. For that matter i again don't want to live on again. I don't see the point in staying alive anymore and i still don't want to live but i also still don't want to die. I don't want to worry to begin & end with.

But i feel that i will have to fight an uphill struggle without any support from my trusted computerscreen. There will be no-one to support me & my choices in my decisions beyond the internet. Ignorance is bliss and frankly the void of knowledge of my parents & everyone i know else is filled with junk dogma that they believe in with godly zeal(; with a kind of godly devotion, but not the power thereof). I have never struggled in my entire life.

If you can find it, you should watch the earthlings documentary. I did that (months ago). Any doubts about Vegan ethics will be cast away.
If only evil hadn't evolved since the time of Christ we would be living in a heavenly kingdom already. But evil evolves in the dark into many evasive forms each more seditious then the former. Men are getting worse each day, with love as cold as pluto mankind is deceiving and being deceived.
I feel very sad about this world, why does God feel so distant right now? We need him now more then ever.

Link of the day
http://www.toilet-related-ailments.com/best-toilet.html

What a godforsaken world; i hate it i hate it i hate it. I don't want to be part of it, so i would have to get out of the world wouldn't i.
goodnight,

This is part of a discussion with someone i think to be honestly faithfull. I hope you can learn from it or about me, but preferably about true faith.

(Disclaimer: i deleted/altered some sentences bigtime mostly or only for privacy reasons)

The texts with the dots in front of them are from the other person.

• Just reading part of your blog made me think of myself sometimes. It is a struggle leaving/getting kicked out of the organization. Mentally, emotional, spiritually, and even physically.

I try to reconcile my dramas like these with Matthew 10:12-15:If they don't welcome you, quietly withdraw. Don't make a scene. Shrug your shoulders and be on your way. You can be sure that they'll be mighty sorry on Judgment Day —but that is no concern of yours right now. Their freedom or their responsebility is their own, we can plant the weeds but only S... i mean only Jehovah can grow the wheat we sow. /pun

• So here is the Job senerio for me. many bad things happened all in one month! Then then it got a little worse and i got depressed. I got over it and was starting to feel good when shortly after i got floored again and i still didnt have a job! If it wasnt for my friends the situation would have been worse.

The storm is rolling in and the waves are coming up against everyone, but we can have the confidence that our Father is very capable of fathering his own children. That is what we are, children of Jehovah the god of angels.

Whoever becomes simple and elemental again, like this child... Mat 18:2-5 Do you know one thing parents hate the most about having children? They nag constantly in a simple instinct, they need their father. Keep knocking, keep asking, Don't bargain with God. Be direct. Ask for what you need. This isn't a cat-and-mouse, hide-and-seek game we're in. If your child asks for bread, do you trick him with sawdust? If he asks for fish, do you scare him with a live snake on his plate? As bad as you are, you wouldn't think of such a thing. You're at least decent to your own children. So don't you think the God who conceived you in love will be even better? Mat 7:7-12

• So with all this happening to me right after I got disfellowshipped, it was a struggle of the WT thinkng against God's word. Am I doing the right thing and thus are suffering cause of it or am I an evil apostate that has been mislead from the true organization?

You are very blessed when people betray you and turn on you and speak hatefull things of you, remember that they hated the Christ first. You're blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. -Mat 5:10 Now personally it doesn't catch me as a surprise when people are deceived and deceive others. In the end, all that matters will be our love for god and our fellow human beings. Deut 6:5 Lev 19:18

If one does not love his brothers he is still walking in darkness and the darkness blinds him. -1 John 2:11

• I'm glad to be free of it all! I just want to worship God in spirit and truth. You don't need people to tell you how to do that if you are a mature christian and know the word good. Why did Jesus say "if two or three are gathered in my name there I will be." if everyone that was acceptable to him was in one organization? I believe this new DB is a good thing. Perhaps the lord will bless our efforts to refine ourselves according to his word and to be doers of the word not just hearers, explainers, teachers, preachers, prophets etc.. but doers. If you cannot live your life in accord with the spirit (fruits of the spirit) then everything else is useless.

I keep repeating this prayer (and variations of it).
...Let me see light for light, darkness for darkness, your will for goodness and not the lie for light or poison for food...
He isn't letting me down, so be frank, direct & open. Jehovah is all we need and he is very well aware of us. what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them? -Psalm 8:4

• I'm really going to make an effort to live the word by my actions. Doing good to others and treating other with love even if they don't. I'm going to concentrate on the simple gospel Jesus taught.
  22 On the other hand, the fruitage of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, 23 mildness, self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Moreover, those who belong to Christ Jesus impaled the flesh together with its passions and desires.

I bolded another part of your bible verses, which i think deserve some more attention it hasn't yet received. Keep your body enslaved. Paul (or it was Peter) slapped himself in the face. I take cold showers to wake up.

• If you have this fruitage then you are under no law! [ant: that is, of sin] You cannot be judged if you have this fruitage and put your faith in Christ as the ransom and savior.
  1 Cor 4:11 For no man can lay any other foundation than what is laid, which is Jesus Christ.
  John 14:6 Jesus said to him: “I am the way and the truth and the life.
  Christ is first everything else is secondary. Who was the man who showed the most faith is Israel? A roman soldier!!! Nobody can say or tell who is a true christian because the wheat is amoung the weeds. The WT used to say that the separating work was being done by the preaching work which started since 1914. But now they say that the separation of the wheat and the weeds is not until christ comes again to judge the world. If the wheat is being collected by Jw's then why does there need to be another separation when Christ comes for judgment according to what they teach. I do not even think they realise how messed up there theology is!!!Funny, No wonder we are basket cases! Huh?

Men will go to worse each day, deceiving and being deceived. Theres isnt a thing we can do about it, our father prophecied it so we can take account of it. (I think) Deception makes the seperating (& prophecy) possible, it will be the simple loving & righteous childlike that will inherit the kingdom.

I didn't have much to change about what he said, only a couple of things to add. Ill only add a little more now that i try not to worry about anything i can't control, because it will happen no matter what i do anyway. So i dont see the use of worrying about that.

(now that i look back on it i think i should be a litle less arrogant)

The rest of the conversation remains to be disclosed by a future revelation beyond my control, because i won't reveal it for a long time or perhaps forever.

goodnight, its getting late.