Hello everything, (this reads as a diary entry and probably is a litle messy, too)

It turns out that i talked to my Mentor at school because i had not shown up at work (to get work experience to finish my study) this year and i frankly told him why i didn't appear at work. (i didn't tell him altough i presumed he could conclude that by himself) i had been studying/researching topics like factory farming, the hunzas & wholesome living related topics and playing an occasional game while i was supposed to be at work. I took an example of my looking into the squatting position on the toilet (which you can look into at the links forum) as an example of why i believe i cannot grow up to be happy in our western (civilization). I further explained that i cannot envision that my education will help me in a life in a society in which i can be happy (which is not the western civlization). I did not see the use of going to this work (research into the gutflora of Crohns Disease patients) because it seemed pointless to me. He then asked me what alternatives i have, so i said that perhaps it would be an idea to move to a more primitive society like the hunza valley/people. Meanwhile i had gotten upset and started crying which i suppose is natural.

He asked me who knew about these things and i exclaimed that no offline person knew about it, not my therapist, my parents or anyone else. He offered to call my dad (who works in the same building) to explain the situation to him. So my dad came and we the 2 of us explained the situation, that i am seriously considdering discontinuing my education and moving far away because i frankly don't want to live around here. Now my dad and i talked some and i as usual have a very hard time explaining myself, to word my thoughts in understandable terms and to explain my choices but it worked out fine. I recently did some more research into the Hunzas and i read that some go to high school & speak english. I wonder if these english speaking Hunzas live in a grocery store economy. I am trying to find out, but i am finding it difficult.

I had even told some lies to my parents to get them off my back because they were asking me why i didn't go to work, i felt threatened and now i feel hurt because of my own lies. (Up to so far it seems i was not neceserry to feel threatened)

I am moved to reconsidder my motives, i thought my main prioritys were God & The Christ and that somehow i might be giving them up if i "saved myself" by jumping overboard to a (thought to be) "sanctuary". I catch myself making up excuses like that "these people" cannot be saved. On the other side i am afraid that "poisons" of this civilization will kill me (in a non-physical sense) and perhaps physicly if doomsday scenarios like armageddon turn out to become true within years.

If you are wondering what i will do with JW's, i intend on cutting contact with them either in 2 steps or at once. I predict i will see them back at my door, ecpecially the 2 JW's conducting my bible study. I am kind of afraid they might agitate my bible based conscience, that they might somehow find a loophole in my subroutines that will force me to think about if i am doing this for God or not. A question i am afraid of asking to myself. I do have an answer but i dont know if i could say it in the face of God.

My sister kind of scoffed a litle at the idea of emigrating to a country like Pakistan (where the Hunza Valley lies). At first my parents did too (for a split second), it seems they took it seriously and considderatly afterwards.

My mentor told me that perhaps i am dreaming of something and badly wanting it to be true (something along these lines) as much that it may distort my views in such a way that i may be doing damage to my future. I frankly believe i cannot know this because if it is true then i am distorting my own view to the point of doing it. If it is false, how would i tell it is?I have a lot of confidence in other peoples generousity in helping others atleast if i am willing to adapt to what they think is best (which i assume i am) and i have a lot of confidence that the poisons that i see or hallucinate are not destroying their love & their empathy (assuming they'v got that to begin with).
But i do have to make contact to see if the Hunza or a Hunza would be willing to help me. I am trying to find out how to contact them. I may have to do something i have never done before and ask my parents what they know about it. Midday tomorrow is also the day i must make up my mind about wether i should continue my education before my mentor.

goodnight everything, Sander Buruma

ps. Im not getting too deep for you people, right?