Im a litle late posting

These are the 2 dreams

Aug 03 2006
I was standing in the kitchen with my father. My father was doing something and i was looking out the kitchen window to the street outside and the water to the north. it was snowing and storming outside and as in real life there is water to the north and west of my house. The storm caused waves of 1 meter (3,5 feet) high. The street to the east was not of stone but of ice. The horizon was marked by what looked like the tops of mountains (covered by snow), there was no snow anywhere else. My house was unaffected and we were not alarmed.
I looked outside and i saw ouer neighbours car outside standing on 4 tiny pieces of floating ice that barely fitted under the 4 wheels of the car and i was worried because the waves could cause the car to sink. I told my father to phone the neighbours (on the other side of the water to the north, 7 meters or 30 feet away) and warn them their car was floating on the waves and about to sink. I was worried about his apathy and he took all time to phone them and he was not worried. I was a litlebit alarmed. And the street to the east started to break off and the other cars of the neighbourhood started to fall into the water, 1 per 2 seconds. Then, the ground (or ice?) under the house began to break off and the kitchen started to sink into the water and father and i were alarmed.
Then i woke up, but not very scared altough i didnt dare to get out of bed.

About a month before that, i also had a dream or half-nightmare. In it, i was asleep (in the dream), it was fall and in an out of body experience i saw a car drive into my neighbourhood and 4 people got out and started to throw firebombs at my open window and to other houses in the neighbourhood. I woke up (in the dream) and got out of bed because my window and desk were burning and i moved to my parents to sleep on there and when i tried to lie down there to sleep they woke up and were alarmed at the fire. Then as at the start out of my (dream) body i was risen up over the entire neighbourhood and they were all lit up by more people that came in cars like the one at the start. The entire neighbourhood was like a furnace hot with burning coals. Then i woke up, not alarmed and not scared.

Today Saturday started off badly, now that i think of it it is a deja vu with a lot of other weekend day's where i woke up and just hung between a litle depressed and utterly bored, where i wasn't motivated to do a lot. I slept badly and i had the weirdest wet dream which seemed to be about self satisfaction. I re-installed an old game they call warcraft III yesterday, i played a couple of onine games with random people online and made a litle demonstration map. On the way back from work my mind began to generate a craving for this old game, it didn't take long to re-install it. I have the strangest deal with my motivation, one day i can be totally it for what i really believe to be good and the other day i just wanna do what feels good. This day was one of the latter. Yesterday while playing Warcraft III online in an intense match with someone, my father barged into the room and asked me if i wanted to go to the movies tomorrow (that is, saturday). I was heavily distracted by the game i was playing so i didn't give a lot of thought and said yes. So now i just came back from Casino Royale starring James Bond. It sure was a nice movie not many complaints there, beside that he doesn't really hold sex or marriage to be holy or anything. What stuck with me of this night was the commercial for an Xbox game, gears of war (or something). It played a melody while showing a part of a movie concerning the game (or ingame feed), dramatacizing what a character was doing. It was a really nice litle melody. I didn't listen to the singer anyway like i always do but rather to the melody.

Now that i (just) looked up the text of Mad World(mp3), i find that its not just the melody that drew me.
Gary Jules name was over it i suppose he was involved in it:
"The dreams in which im dying are the best i'v ever had"
When people run in circles, its a very very... Mad world, Mad world
I find it hard to talk with anyone, to find anyone that i think won't let me down crying for them and myself. (Not so much about what is and isn't truth, but how the points are made bare).
That brings me back to when i was depressed or just not too happy. Back in first class of middle school (after 8th class of elementary) when i didn't do my homework i would sit down and play Pokemon on my gameboy while pretending to do homework, i could put it on my lap below the desk to hide it whenever my parents checked if i was doing homework. At that time my father would often get angry and upset at me and at other times at night when i was trying to sleep, i heard him angry while i tried to sleep which upset me. I tried to come up with a perfect note to leave behind before i would leap ahead and get on with the great birth reversal. I can tell you i spent a lot of time thinking of the perfect message, but i could not find one. Not one that would be perfect if i weren't there to go alongside it.

There is one thing i might still be hiding, signs & dreams i hold to be the evidence of our dear God Jehovah that he has given me out of love, so that i CAN believe and DO have hope, in this mad world. I will write about the dreams tomorrow. Goodnight everbody

Don't just love to live, live to love.
yours truly en gard, Sander Buruma

For you who don't know me, i am now religious in a way or a combination of the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses, Christianity and the Jewish religion (idealizing works). My most important ideals are infinite altruism, respect, infinitely open mind, being unique and non-conformism. I was diagnosed with PDD-nos (Persuasive Development Disorder - not otherwise specified) a while ago. To me this means that if someone dominates in speaking and doesn't leave some space i will keep silent, i don't urge to ask questions or at all talk. Beside that i sleep very lightly and am practically always sleepy.

August 2005
I'll start with the August of last year, i was on a vacation to a sailing school. There i learned to sail among other things. I was still very active with computergaming back then. One of my roommates had some computergaming magazines with him but one of them also had an article on Peak Oil. Peak oil is the phenomena that all kind's of oil production (on earth) will peak and start to decline at any point in time. America did this in the 1970's. The human economy does not take this into account and hence there will be a lot of chaos and friction when this occurs worldwide. With all the economy's growing, something's got to go wrong! This article got me upset and started me thinking and remembering about all my disappointments in society and ofcourse with such a doomscenario and my own powerlessness i felt a little hopeless.
There that article woke me up crudely and there my search for more information and big phenomena about such things started. I started finding information about Peak Oil (but i didn't know the Peak Oil phrase yet so it took a while before i searched effectively). At a point a few weeks or months later i stopped searching at all because i couldn't handle it and didn't see any Peak Oil signs within my vicinity. Everyone just kept going, somehow (and they still do). A month later of school and computergaming i got at it again and this time came unto conspiracy theory's in relation to the biblical number of the beast: 666. I remembered 911 as i red through some of them and i learned on about society from there. The theories that i can considder believing state that 911 was a false flag operation used to further the breakdown of american democracy into a fascist state and to spread American dominance over the globe, starting with the last scraps of oil in the middle-east. They go on to say that after America took Afghanistan over drug production skyrocketed and America is making a lot of money from it by all kind's of laws. Thirdly credit debt is being encouraged and used to sell American's into slavery, not that i'm surprised considdering the crazyness of Americans, being addicted to pleasure, leasure, comfort, luxery, mockery and self-deception.
What scares me the most about America is that altough it is the least civilized state of humanity thought to be possible at the moment, humanity is following suit gladly and trying to overtake America. South-Holland is already Americanizing and the rest follow's suit. A civilization of apathy, addiction, pill-popping and mockery, we wanna be that?!
Altough America is said to be the richest country to exist the people are impoverished and in debt-beyond belief. Not just literally in a sense of debt but also that they are never statisfied with what they have, always wanting more and thinking of freedom as the right to do anything you want. Rather then that freedom is responsebility for what choices you make. What ignorance!!

Who can fill such a bottomless pit, bottomless pit's can't be filled. Nobody know's, nobody listens and thinks their opinions are facts. Some people don't care what they do, give up and/or give up to harmfull addictions with obesity, cancer and all kind's of ailments as a result (headaches, blood pressure, liquid faeces, etc.). Then they pop-pills as a way to survive. What stupidity!

Marsh 2006
Well you gotta think that considdering those thoughts, the spiceant must be getting depressed by now! I'm still not depressed, altough i despise just about everything manmade and don't apreciate just about everyone i know. From this depressing angle i started to read the bible because of some bible prophecies that some articles used, i had all the faith in the world in it when i started reading it and i still do. At the same time i started praying and considdering i was very confused by all the conflicting information out there i prayed that i'd see light for light, darkness for darkness, not light for darkness or darkness for light, foolishness not for wisdom but for foolishness. I prayed for the truth. Well, quess what. 2 Azian Jehovah's Witnesses pop up the next thing i know three days later we had a litle chat and managed to agree that the world as we know it ain't gonna be what it's alway's been and that some bad things ought to happen at any point within 25 years. They gave me a booklet titled "what does the bible teach" and as it happens i had the time to read through it from cover to cover at once. It considders detailed significances about a relationship with Jehovah (God), Who Jesus was, celebrations (which i never really celebrated anyway), Prayer, Family life, Death, The Soul, Spirit, Baptism, Idolatry, the end times and some more to boot. It all sounded good to me and i started looking for them that day or some day's after. Later i learned these witnesses should have come back within a few day's but i didn't see them untill i called them a month later. Well i just said i started looking for them, so i googled up "Jehovah's Witnesses"...
I came upon a forum that started as a forum for Jehovahs witnesses i posted a message asking how i could find JW's in my area. In short, i was warned for cults and a slave like life following the watchtower and spreading their propaganda. The unsympathetic posts kind of put me off but i did go looking after all the stories about them, false prophecies, the (not) handling of child abuse, the relation with the UN and the centralization of JW's.
It was all nice and such and if i were statisfied with one side of the coin i wouldn't have called them anyway but i did. I wanted to know the flipside of the coin. I don't believe in a superweapon that can make us slave like zombies so i phoned the local Kingdom Hall. There i started attending their theocratic school and watchtower studies and attending a weekly private bible study. I kept all the stories of wrong JW things in the back of my head. What i met was an underestimation of the bad things of what i heard. I asked them some thing's which i had thought to be wrong from stories, in particular their 1914 teaching which basicly supports all the other dogma's considdering their faithfull and discreet slave. As it turned out they did have a scriptural explanation for it and as it turns out they can atleast come up with a story they can believe. I now know how they can believe what they believe. But the saying that they relentlessly follow the Watchtower Society stuck with me and i never really dared ask for it. I'd first want to entrench myself in the cong before risking being uprooted and thrown away (being labeled bad association or apostate). You may have noticed i do not believe that Jehovah (God, not to be confused with Jehovah's Witnesses) does want us to follow people, but thats exactly what JW's are doing. I continued my bible study and learned new things and they got me seeing thing's (in their bible, though) showing a lot of things to be true which were claimed to be unscriptural. The load of lies that were proved to be false set me up against the people that warned me against JW's. The people known as ex-JW's and their followers. Now it occurred that i came across www.e-watchman.com on the forum where i asked how to contact JW's and there i thought to find some truth's at least. But i still need to ask any cong overseer or elder in my cong about the UN and child-abuse. I can't stand it any longer. I thought to had found some people that were remotely like me but it turned out they were just more like me as in not like the worldly people as we know them. I still haven't found anyone i can really come along with, except God Jehovah and Jesus Christ.

I have looked around a lot and am coming to believe that there may not be anyone like me that i will meet before a significant moment in time. I still haven't found a human that is Zealous for God, Love, the Bible, patience, understanding, respect, god-aproval, health, and all those other g(o)odly things. Someone that is zealous against a life of luxery, comfort, leasure, money, people-aproval, conformism and all those horrible things.
Someone, living up to 1 cor 13:3-7:

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything, Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

I'm not a new Henoch or am i, i still don't see a white dove descending.

en gard, spiceant
Live to love, not the other way around

try and learn about me, who i am. Sometimes i believe myself to be an enigma and at other times the simplest person to be alive at the moment. This blog will be my diary entries about what keeps me occupied at the very moments and days i post. I will not censor my own thoughts (which i do everywhere else). Call me selfish if you will, this blog is about me.

You may expect thoughts (in no orderly order) about: long term wilderness survival, moral decay, collapse of civilization, global warming, conspiracy theories, Jehovah's Witnesses, watchtowerites, religion, the bible, The Simpsons, Harmageddon, the devil, Jehovah God (of the bible), paradigms, diet, vegetarianism, bio-industry, poetry, love and marshmen from the moon.

ps. i wrote some text about me, you can download it from this link: (.doc word file)
http://www.esnips.com/nsdoc/976147dd-10ba-4c13-b2ea-5738c9894fe6

yours truly, Sander Buruma
living life as if though not eternal
goodnight everything