spiceant's diary - lifes, thoughts and worrys

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Location: Groningen City, Groningen, Netherlands

Spiritual being with fire in the heart.

April 13, 2010

I'v launched a different blog, because I am abandoning the old spiceant nickname. Its a bad nickname. New blog at

August 6, 2009

today and elsewhere i feel a sort of lonelyness, i want to talk to people who i have relied on to help me with some real problems, but i feel a sort of distance that stays my capacity to do so where i used to be capable of doing so. I have grown to learn many things that result in practice in conflicts with them that seem to force ways of doing things that are not productive and stressfull at best. They are definatly challenging and because they haven't been going on for over month i keep musing about it.

I feel so many impulses and inclinations and observe or see very many things and in a sense it sort of feels like blasphemy or sacrilage to put them into words (without the guilt normally associated with the 2 words). Yet it seems i must word them and i dread the prospect because i fear being misunderstood or being projected on with things that are not answers and do not relate to what sincerely concerns me, being emotionally blackmailed with the sincere or not concern of other people again.
I have been listening to Buddhist Monk Ajahn Brahmavahmso about the power of silence and how to use it in my conversations with a therapist / psychologist that has helped me for a long time and with whom in particular i want to understand and relay to exactly and get across my meaning to, which seems so incredibly hard especially in words. I simply want to completely and utterly all misunderstanding with one spoken paragraph... Which seems unrealistic.

I have learned many things which principly (at their core) go directly against the consciousness and traditions of civilization. I see disease as a cleansing mechanism in a world where it is perceived as a scary deadly thing.
I believe in sun, air, good (happy) mind and the close examination of the signals of my body and intuition to determine my decisions on health which directly contradict the 'common sense' advise of people i talk to who i have only heard talk about you must get this and that or these and these foods and this is the right thing which simply does not adress me or my concerns and contradicts my intuition, knowledge and experience.
I want to talk to my therapist about it, but in our latest chat i was feeling the impression that it is nearly impossible to get my meaning across from the position of a paying client.

On a similar note, i have begun to consciously notice how argumentative (divisive) i have gotten with people on internet websites in many ways. Expressing things in a way which it seems were neither virtuous gracious kind wise or usefull.
As you may have quessed from my latter posting i have also been musing about humor. I have for a while had many instances of jokes coming up in my mind. Jokes of many kinds. I would rather just share what i identify these jokes to most honestly be: satirical, deregatory, sarcastic and potentially harmfull to some people i talk to (and myself) or otherwise harmfull spiritually. Some simple jokes probably best fitted over a pint of beer in a pub which are simply low altough not particularly vicious or jokes that make reference to death or other disturbing instances.
In general, Jokes that rob people of their innocense.

So those are a few instances that spark my musings,
Sleep well, Be well

August 4, 2009

a post i made somewhere
theme: comedy

Many comedy shows, jokes and funny things rely on showing the truth and in many instances "its funny, because its sooo true"
Look at the comedy shows from a new perspective and force yourself not to laugh at any of it.

If you want to hide something you dont speak about it or you tell the questioner everything about it at once completely leaving nothing out (and perhaps putting a pseudo funny spin on it). This isn't usually spiritually productive way of doing anything.

The nature of most comedy today is unnatural, sharp. Putting information about something up front, all at once right now. Sharp humor usually reveals so much at once, that the viewer can not accept it and by giving the signal to laugh (other people laughing in the background for example) the viewer is implanted with an activity he can use to distract himself from what is being revelead (as the viewer is a receiver and usually not creative enough to come up with an activity himself at the time). The viewer is made aware too much at once (overloaded). Because too much pressure is the definition of sharp the person recognizes a sort of danger and unconsciously seeks way to avoid what is being said (anger, laughter, ridicule).

There are very few sharp things in nature let alone anything that isnt like a circle/sphere which is the 2nd softest shape (the planar shape being the softest and a point the sharpest). Comedies defy nature by being extremely sharp. Comedy helps people along in avoiding real life issues by abhorrantly putting a lot of important concepts to people they can not realisticly be expected to deal with at the time and training them to avoid dealing with them via ridicule and apathy.

Then again comedy of that sort has been around long before television. It is a manifestation of peoples consciousness that simply manifests more of that consciousness and in turns makes more of itself until someone changes their consciousness. (Which is my way of trying to get you to blame nobody for it, or at best that entity in the mirror)

If it doesnt have the realistic possibility of being true it can not be funny

May 9, 2009

posted elsewhere, inspired by this posting (from another blog i read that) i partly quote here:

American kids abandoned the arcades because the games were too tough(read: fun). With the arcade environment being designed that ONLY THE SKILLED WOULD SURVIVE,they escaped into the fantasy of console gaming, where games cost $50 or more, which was more than they'd ever end up spending playing an arcade game to its completion even by credit-feeding(lol). And these console games are, especially today, incredibly easy. Just pure fantasy indulgence, no appreciation for the skill it takes to stay alive in a real game. $500 for a console, $50 for a game that's barely a game because the player feels cheated if he dies a few times after spending $550 on a game. Then it's off to the next quick fix (expensive console game). FEAR OF FAILURE MAGNIFIED TO ITS EXTENT--THEY ARE EVEN AFRAID TO FAIL AT THINGS THAT ARE SIMPLY FUN.

reminds me of the times when i was little kids would look up cheat codes so they could unlock every item / achievement and by keeping the cheats secret they could brag to their friends about the shiny armor their character had and bully others saying hey look at you you dont have what i have. Some would be utterly confused at my lack of interest in cheat codes.

There was a little trend for pokemon games at my age of about 15. A small group of my age kids were playing Pokemon on their gameboys (it was still black & white, all the rage) and one of my friends figured out how to get the rarest pokemon of them all and bragged about it to everyone and quite enjoyed it.

I did a little gameboy pokemon battle with another friend a couple years later. I had come up with a tactic i had grown pretty fond off. The other guy lost to me and our gameboys were about to record the battle. 1-0 for me 0-1 for him, etc etc etc.
Anyway the gameboys take forever to save the data and so you have 3 seconds to shut off the gameboy and this guy did and the loss was not recorded. Denial denial denial. Couldnt take a loss.

One friend i played a game with eventually found a "trainer" for diablo 1 (popular game back then) which basicly can give you all the stuff that the game has coded into it in 5 minutes. All the fancy stuff that i looked forward to obtaining through normal tedious and tough game play (by my 10yr old standards) suddenly devalued as it fell into my hands without any effort. This way this trainer that would have kept me happy for weeks suddenly became bland and meaningless and i started looking for another game. The few times that i did cheat i figured out it ruins every prospect of obtaining any sense of fullfillment and plain good old fun.

All the people that i know that go into fakery all love to use the cheats that a game must have if it wants to sell.
I dabled with cheats and that kind of stuff and i realized through my experiments of forcing myself to play without cheats games are whole lot more fun if you play them play them without cheating.

In that spirit. Life itself is only meaningfull if you live it yourself with all the challenges and oppertunities as nature provides them. Sure Jebus (or the govt, or democracy, or whatever) may come out of heaven and fix everything for you sure that might happen for a few but they will then never know what its like to make a difference, to achieve, have fun. Have all the barks none of the bite.

The hypocrit and liar first lie to themselves that the cheat they are comitting is that you get something, for nothing.
There is only something for something and nothing for nothing.

A warerfall of fish may last you a long time while eventually you will be too lazy to live without and will die when the fish god goes to sleep. Look to the fishermen with his little fishing pole, he is the richest of them all.

Watch the fishermen

April 16, 2009

This week i'v had pain in my heck very annoyingly so. It was sensitive and this sensitivity extended all the way over my back down to my left bottom (it wasnt very painfull but it was annoying). Nothing i did seemed to help. Today i had an appointment at my therapist with my mom. My relationship with my mom had been barren for all my life for as far as i know. Today it changed. Me mom and therapist talked and talked and i cried and finally at one point the therapist figures out the obvious and tells my mom to speak out whats on her mind instead of keeping quiet to me. (because her problems
It turns out was always quiet to me because she didnt think i could handle it because a bunch of mds diagnosed me with autism. I felt and acted like she was hardly present in my life. But now she suddenly lit up like a christmas tree. It was like the dead coming back from the grave. The mom that never felt like she existed to me suddenly sat there in front of me. For the first time in this lifetime i gave her a real hug and its like we have been reunited.

My point is,
that annoying sensitivity and pain is now gone! As mom and i got together it took me by surprise there was suddenly a whole lot of space between my shoulders! (altough that was a minor detail in the event).
So i suggest that if you are having a pain it can be because you have a problem you refuse to face.

April 10, 2009

Why do many people hate and blame the corporations/media/governments/politics/religion/etc...? (To the blameless i do bow)

Government/politics/religion/sports/etc are all diversions to divert and neutralize the violent energies of people. Without these we would have socially isolated hooligans forming riots and burning all of civilization down because their gods (religion/govt/politicians) did not give to them what they greedily told themselves they are entitled to have. (As people occasionally do around the world where "the economy collapses", "a major recession strikes" or "starvation occurs").

Do you like it better when your violent nextdoor neighbour wastes his energy huffing, puffing and yelling at the stadium cursing one or another sports team or would you prefer him rioting in your streets? Would you prefer your collegues to have the illusion they decide what happens because they vote? When they figure they don't would you prefer them to violently "revolutionize" the government they seek to complain about every time it taxes/tickets them or does it make some sense to keep it quiet? Would you prefer your neighbour to get his sexual fix in any other way other then with a TV (or his wife)?

In the same way that a rehabilitation centre keeps a detoxing crack addict from killing his neighbours; the television set / politician / priest / etc. keeps the insane from destruction. That is damage control. Every adult that is manipulated is responsible for it. There is no saint that is or can be manipulated. Sinners only can be manipulated and deceived.

By depriving fools of smoke and mirrors they are forced to look at themselves.
When the haze lifts from their mind they must face the truth.
If you want to make fools angry, lie to them.
If you want to make fools steaming mad, tell them the truth
And if you some want peace you neither lie or explain but confuse instead.

You love violence more then you love peace this is why you dont have it when you dont. You are a moron. This is true If it upsets you, if it did not it is a lie. (no offense intended)

If anyone truly desires harmony
If anyone sincerely desires wisdom
If anyone truly desires clarity
they have it already.
If they don't a counterpart is desired instead.

"mirror mirror on the wall..."
relax:) (God is a handy metaphor you do not have to believe in)

April 1, 2009

True work is not "work" it is PLAY
Little children love to PLAY they express their creativity very well by PLAYING.
If what you do does NOT cause you to kick the ceiling when you wake up in the morning and to cry out in joy "AAAAAAH ZIPPYDIDOODAAAA WHAT A LOVELY DAY, I FEEL LIKE DOING WHAT I LOVE DOING!!!" a part of you is dieing every day. The great loss of life is that which passes over to death in you while you are alive. The true resurrection is when you kill/crucify the fake you / the mask / etc and your true you rises from its former grave.

Learn to PLAY
there is no way you get wisdom without gaining the simplicity of childlike impunity sophistication and spontanu-ity.
if WORK doesnt feel like PLAY or FUN time your energy is stagnant / stuck and because stagnancy is a constant and because there are no constants (except for constant change) the stagnant will likewise become nonexistant.
Learn to PLAY seriously