today and elsewhere i feel a sort of lonelyness, i want to talk to people who i have relied on to help me with some real problems, but i feel a sort of distance that stays my capacity to do so where i used to be capable of doing so. I have grown to learn many things that result in practice in conflicts with them that seem to force ways of doing things that are not productive and stressfull at best. They are definatly challenging and because they haven't been going on for over month i keep musing about it.

I feel so many impulses and inclinations and observe or see very many things and in a sense it sort of feels like blasphemy or sacrilage to put them into words (without the guilt normally associated with the 2 words). Yet it seems i must word them and i dread the prospect because i fear being misunderstood or being projected on with things that are not answers and do not relate to what sincerely concerns me, being emotionally blackmailed with the sincere or not concern of other people again.
I have been listening to Buddhist Monk Ajahn Brahmavahmso about the power of silence and how to use it in my conversations with a therapist / psychologist that has helped me for a long time and with whom in particular i want to understand and relay to exactly and get across my meaning to, which seems so incredibly hard especially in words. I simply want to completely and utterly all misunderstanding with one spoken paragraph... Which seems unrealistic.

I have learned many things which principly (at their core) go directly against the consciousness and traditions of civilization. I see disease as a cleansing mechanism in a world where it is perceived as a scary deadly thing.
I believe in sun, air, good (happy) mind and the close examination of the signals of my body and intuition to determine my decisions on health which directly contradict the 'common sense' advise of people i talk to who i have only heard talk about you must get this and that or these and these foods and this is the right thing which simply does not adress me or my concerns and contradicts my intuition, knowledge and experience.
I want to talk to my therapist about it, but in our latest chat i was feeling the impression that it is nearly impossible to get my meaning across from the position of a paying client.

On a similar note, i have begun to consciously notice how argumentative (divisive) i have gotten with people on internet websites in many ways. Expressing things in a way which it seems were neither virtuous gracious kind wise or usefull.
As you may have quessed from my latter posting i have also been musing about humor. I have for a while had many instances of jokes coming up in my mind. Jokes of many kinds. I would rather just share what i identify these jokes to most honestly be: satirical, deregatory, sarcastic and potentially harmfull to some people i talk to (and myself) or otherwise harmfull spiritually. Some simple jokes probably best fitted over a pint of beer in a pub which are simply low altough not particularly vicious or jokes that make reference to death or other disturbing instances.
In general, Jokes that rob people of their innocense.

So those are a few instances that spark my musings,
Sleep well, Be well
Sander