I feel confused and saddened and seem to be incapable of finding certainty. The last couple of days i spend most of my time entertaining myself with computergames such as windows patience and minesweeper (not having any better games i can enjoy). I discarded my cd-keys for Diablo II & Warcraft III as they were too tempting and not good for me, burning in my lap.

I am still incapable of finding any group that i believe i can grow in to become happy. No group at all. No place to go, no place to run to. No place on earth below heaven.

Today i went cycling to some place to solicit for a job prescription for income. It was freezing or it had frozen outside (snow everywhere) and as usual i didn't take my coat with me. While cycling around i got around 3 remarks from other cyclists, "don't you get cold?". Someone called me a Mongol in dutch or in contemporary english, retard. I didn't comb my hair, but i was covering my head to my ears because of the cold so that couldn't have been the reason. I honestly start sweating in a coat with this weather, atleast without a coat i stay fresh. I feel saddened by the way things are going and developing. So much hate & apathy. A godforsaken world fer sure.

What do i need to find happyness now, a perfect goal in life?suppose i already know that. I think i have most of it tied up for this life. Preaching the good news boldly, openly & humbly. But i am finding difficulties in perfecting my ability to preach. Foremost, i don't have experience preaching much anything. Second, i don't know if i have the truth and if what i will preach is the truth or lifesaving.

If i want to wholewheartedly start to preach (do my goal in life) i will have to do it on my own somehow and it may include becoming homeless just to be effective. Or it may include moving away from everyone i know and sustaining myself on the wage of a mailmen (or some other sorts of low-income job i can do). Take into account that i do not and will never accept doing to others as i dont want them to do to me. That means i won't go on some money making way that puts me on top of a home-made pyramid with affliates as my subjects. And beside that point, i don't think we have enough time to put that kind of thing up to be profitable. There is a money making kwide at there that simply puts it this way, do not become affliates of another or promote other peoples products because you will be their slave. Then it goes on to say "But this is what you must do to them". That honestly turned my stomach upside down and it put many miles between the author and myself.

Hear now i posted a thread on a board of supposed godfearing ex-JWs
subject: Want to witness somehow

Hello everyone,Just to explain my own situation. I am
not grown up a witness or according to any other religious faith (if you exempt Capitalism & Civilization in this case). I am reducing my JW cong attendance as i can't find the trooth with them either. I don't think preaching in JW's is good for me. That is because of one hypothetical question situation where a subject asks me if have confidence in Jehovahs Witnesses and if not why i am
with them."Well..." an imaginary JW could say "sharing the hope of God's heavenly kingdom for example". But i don't find this important to faith at all or anything else important.
There are 3 dimensions in my mind, the now, the future and the after-this-life. We dont need to care about the afterlife because whatever it is we can be certain that our omnipotent father can come up with a statisfactory solution to that (after all, if you don't have confidence his
resolve is good & perfect, what faith do you have? What faith, if you dont have confidence his purpose or his works are perfect?). Beside that, Jesus told us we shouldn't love our lives because we will loose it and that if we loose it
for him we will have it. "forget about life altogether" is what i think and in addition i have a distaste for doctrines about afterlife.

I set a really high standard for people & groups i can accept. Simply put: zealous unspoiled God-fearing vegans.

If i want to preach the first thing i will have to do is to go out there alone for the first time in my life ever and for the 2nd or 3rd time in my life ringing someones doorbell. I'll be out there, on my own (if you exempt Jehovah, The Holy spirit, Jesus and the angels in this case). Another problem with going out there is my own motivation, which i can't figure out. Am i doing it for myself, for God or for both? If i do it for myself its already lost a longtime ago but if i don't, how would i tell?

I have yet to make up my
mind about how i should live when i preach, is it practical to preach fulltime, be officially homeless & take a sleeping bag with you to sleep with wheover doesn't bounce your peace? Too radical?
Thats what they said of Jesus, to. Please don't take offense in unorthodox ideas, but i won't excuse you for ignoring stupidity.

Is this comprehensive enough?