there is now a fence with barb wire around the peremiter of my house and a ditch with ice cold water water where the fence isnt put up by the land owner of this area. It bothers me, i dont like it :(
I was going to ask for all the fences to removed but since the 2nd mobile home burned down, the fences are higher with barbed wire and a lock on the gate. (I have a key)
The neighbours are paranoid about keeping the gate locked 24/7
The world is locked up enough already. It is so absurd to me that people put up higher fences and do not adress what causes their need for them.

I dont like it at all.

I posted this elsewhere

i remember i was a child and very depressed and was trying to come up with an excuse to die and then i came to the conclusion which was i dont have any proper excuse to decide that... so i figured that i stopped caring about wether or not i live. All my life everywhere just fell into place and i dont care to see how it all did with my intellect. When people ask me to plan something its like my brain must go through so many loops and shortcircuits in order to come up with a plan... i hardly ever make up any plan.

It seems words and images in my mind are just of the mind and that the mind itself is a machine that has gone out of control and that my real me is somewhere along the silver cord giving the real impulses that matter. I feel that i should follow these impulses and therefore distance me from words and images because they are of ego / mind. Just me & God. It annoys me a great deal when people talk to me and demand audible responses because it is usually not motivated in search of truth and only to divide or to justify ones own mind. (And it delights me a lot when people do actually speak sincerely)

Like the dogs tail wags the dog,
human minds wag the human spirits of the not yet enlightened.

But this, but that, but this, but, but
There is no superstition that can not be justified by words
No absurdity can not be justified in words
and yet the human spirit has always conveyed truth, it is with us but the human mind does not understand it.

i have basicly been playing with my video editor for 3 days now and this is the result:

WHITE HOT MOLTEN LAVA IRON, TEARS OF PURE ACID

Back when i was a kid i was very sensitive and always tired in school and didnt do my homework so i sort of flunked in school but did well enough to get an education as low level medical analist. I was very sensitive socially and cared a lot about other people and their wellbeing and was very sensitive to moods. (I still care a great deal about people but care less and less about their sensitivities and wont help people that wont help themselves)

Now and i dont care a lot about what i did or not achieve in childhood. I was a kid and my parents were responsible.

Anyway whenever i didnt do my homework dad would get mad and scream at me and i would mentally close down to hide myself from the yelling which caused me lots of mental pain. All the time when my mom and dad were home were home i would feel they wanted me to do my homework but i couldnt put myself to doing it because i was tired and felt unmotivated. I would hear them arguing when i tried to sleep every night. I had no place to rest, school was stressfull, home was stressfull and unsafe, so i hid in computergames (simulation games, strategy games, economy games, the kind of niche games 99% of kids wouldnt play).

Mom came over a few days ago and basicly this is what happened
We talked. I yelled. Pointed to the stove with orange glowing coals and pointed out thats what it felt like when dad yelled/screamed at me. I waved my hands, pointing out that every time they found out the truth they punished me by my dads grilling yelling which i still have a trauma of. She wouldn't make any sensible comment. She kept asking me for input and i got so annoyed so i told her to go away. She kept insisting i was safe and not harmed by my dads yelling. But i WAS harmed and unsafe!!! I could only feel safe by hiding in my computergames. The pain was like the white hot iron which they trained me to avoid by deceiving them at every chance i got and at that to deceive everyone that could tell them the truth.

she had the nerve to say im here for you now
and again my anger BURNED!!!!!!!!!!!!
Later over the internet she had the nerve to tell me i should express more gratitude for the fact she did what she thought was right.
YOUR NOT IN ANY POSITOIN TO TELL ME THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SCREWED UP
i asked if she would act differently if it happened again. She was like well... maybe... i did the right thing
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRR
THE NERVE, THE ARROGANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWRRRRR
MOM,
YOU SCREWED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!
IM 21 NOW, YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!
YOU SCREWED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
GET OUT, RAAAAAAAAAAAWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

spiceant tube launch in 3... 2... 1...

EPIPHANY

An idea for a product which i can sell at a market stand for a mark up and perhaps make so much profit it will rocket me into adventures and unexplored epochs of my life... I will certainly include it in my treasure map to the life fruit.

Mom was just here

We talked. I yelled. Pointed to the stove with orange glowing coals and pointed out thats what it felt like when dad yelled at me. I waved my hands, yelled and looked her in the eyes. Cartoon depictions might have me steaming. For the rest of the time i did not feel like looking at her, wanting to avoid... hm....

When i think of my childhood it seems many of my interactions directly translate to something like the picture.
resistance is futile, you will be assimilated.

go to school = you will be assimilated
get a safe secure job = you will be assimilated
get into such neighbourhood = you will be assimilated

It seems i wont look at my mom because i despise the way almost everything about her is artificial and robotic. She asked me again and again what do you want and it reminded my every time of having guests at our house and pretending everything was okay even though it was not such as the period running up to my beloved sister needing to be institutionalized.

be happy :)