Ps this was posted the 3rd of January.

I went to the JW eldar 2 days ago on monday 1st of January. He strikes me as someone who like me holds himself to be seeking the truth, which is the point after which my worries start. He stated (as i interpret) he doesn't need to look beyond the (b)organization and trusts that i will see it the way he does after a while. My problem with that is that i have already been to that point. I DO know they get many things right. I DO know they have a really neat nice and big publishign organization to boot. Does this make them Jehovah's Organization? The New Israel? (The New World Order???)
He holds them apostates with their child abuse stories (and i presume the UN debacle too) to be lies or atleasts twists and magnifications of the truth.


I have sound reason to believe i have begun to think and know much too much and yet i long for more wisdom and thinking much faster. Comprehending everything fast enough to is confusing me. Fast enough before it is too late to do anything. To understand everything and to only see light for light, darkness for darkness and not the other way around. The world around me seems to be rigged against the truth and boobytrapped by liars (whom also think they are truthfull) with lies on every dimension i know. The only one i know that can guide me to some truth is Christ and god Jehovah my father (i presume).

And even there i wonder if he is distancing himself from me, i feel alone. I don't know anyone i can really trust, i must keep my quard up at all times with everyone. It's not that everyone is a bad guy or anything. People are deceiving and being deceived, believing to have the truth and their own righteousness doesn't amount to anything (for starters) in regards to truth. I think many missing elements of my childhood leave me severely handicapped and i think that may too be a selffullfilling prophecy, that i am making that true by thinking it (wether it is true or false or significant).

Do i really need to get a house of my own and a job? Do i really need that much!?
I have been considdering getting on with the great birth reversal and it all seems soo nice with such a loving father who wouldn't mind to raise me in paradise, would he? How selfish can i become. Who am i, what can i do, when can i do it and how free can i become?? I hate this world and i can't put my god given conscience to being part of it. I hate it i hate it i hate it.

Hello bye bye. Wanna cooky?

Heres a special christmas edition for everyone Ill quote what i posted on E-Jehovahs-Witnesses:

"For me christmas symbolizes how hypocritical christmas celebrating can get. It shows the need for a special time of the year to be a genually loving person. When Christmas is celebrated it frankly shows just how desperate this world needs love, but needs an excuse to show it. And even then when Christmas comes around, it is very rare to see anyone but your own family cared for with less and less people of the weaker part of our world being helped. At Christmas people are singing and feasting and having a jolly good time while the world is full of suffering. It may not seem like much to the average "civilized" citizen but 790 million people are chronically malnourished, 11 million children die each year due to poverty. atleast 690 million dont have adequate water suplies, 1,3 Billion don't have acces to safe water, 3 billion don't have acces to sanitation. As it is right now, the poor are giving more money to the rich then the rich are giving to the poor.

It is unbecoming of a Christian to be loving on just a few select day's. It is unbecoming for a Christian to ignore these problems. Unbecoming of God's people, it is unbecoming of any Christian to symbolize their hypocracy by going on a holierthenthou-fest for a day or two and pulling the blinds on their eyes to the rest of the world the instant Christmas ends. It is totally unbecoming of Christians to be hypocrit's.

One Christmas WT magazine got it darned right, it should be "christmas" all the time!Theres your answer and as a bonus your motivation to preach to this very wicked world.

Christmas will keep any informed true christian turning in their grave."

So be it, Amen!

Its this time of the year that some people will get all cozy again. Some don´t do that and im happy about that. Hypocrits are one of the worst people. Playing nice one or two day´s, doesnt cut ir for the other 363. JW's get a shot once more, It should be the chirstmas feeling through and through all the time. I forecast they'll miss the goal, though.

As the white cloud's with rain
and the grey cloud's with thunder
There is a cloud for every day
With a dark shade of grey


You may get it or not. I am not feeling very happy right now, it seems like i'm living with zombies and i don't have any hill's to run for. Come lord Jesus, saves us, save us so i beg you please, save us. Everything seems to be so useless in this anti-civilization. Satan's running the show.

Last thursday i left a mail at the CO of the Jehovah's Witnesses congegration i attend twice a week. The mail concerned the issue of child abuse, it got 1,5 pages long.
The CO basicly told me to trust The Organization and that the storys were lies.
Kind of put me off, need some proof. We'll arrange for a longer talk later.

This day i woke up like yesterday, with a computergame on my mind. What insanity, but i did give into it anyway. Re-installing like an ox to the slaughter. The game again didn't work correctly, not that i mind at the moment. I uninstalled it later again... I'm thinking of cutting up all the other computergaming CD's and DVD's, but i'm not sure if i should try & sell em instead. If i cut them up i can put them in their boxes and my parents wont notice. If i instead go and decide to sell them i will have to summon a lot of infrastructure and it will certainly not go unnoticed by my parents. Why don't i want my parents to notice?

I went to the Jehovah's Witness reading & watchtower Study™ again and as it can happen it was about meditation and how one can meditate, when and about what. It was a nice litle reading but it still bored me. The watchtower study seemed spiritually devoid, it was about showing your faith in your life or in particular Do's and Don'ts on weddings and parties. I didn't know they held parties anyway. It turns out that some Kingdom Songs™ on a low volume are good for atmosphere. I already thought they wouldn't play haevy metal, to bad. You don't overdo weddings, you don't make it a competition of who can hold the best wedding. I kind of wondered if i'd hear about placing WT magaines, i didn't.

But afterwards as it turned out i again really feel barred out from talking because of what's in my heart. My heart's full of some JW issues i can't just blabber about without significant consequences, beside that i need to get my JW child abuse documentation in order, some solid proof that the elders cant deny as lies. I'm afraid ill be confronted with their father, of which i don't know if it is God or Satan.
I was thinking of spewing out all kinds of judgements against these JW's, about how they chop the Christ Head off with WT magazines. About how they were sustaining themselves and not really trusting Jehovah. About how sad i feel that i don't feel safe with talking about Jesus. About how sad i feel, at all.
Theres this Happyville feeling you know, hang a happyface paperwall and pretend everything's okay. I can't stand JW's forevever and am finding a way to get a good closure, but what's next? What i want is very bold, bolder then my ego. VERYERY BOLD.

I want to go preaching boldly just like the apostles did, but i don't have an accomplice to do it with (yet). Neither do i see one. Should i go out alone? I don't believe in the smallscale preaching JW's do which is on average 15 Minutes a day. When i think of JW's preaching right now i think of them going out and relieving their bladders (except for the pioneers whom i at times admire). When i think of Discipleship i don't think of it as the pokerclub or the God Show JW's come up with. Simple faithfull preaching, with belief that God our Father is with us. Life, in the hand's of God with not a clue what tomorrow's evil will be. Perhaps i should start with going to some public area and reading the bible to people.

I just cut up my 4 World of Warcraft CD. The game which i had played and left about a year ago. I resubscribed to it after i woke up yesterday and began playing. I recognized that it was pointless and the game also crashed quite a lot. So i played it on my father's laptop and there it worked fine. I played along for a litle while but i soon remembered why i didn't want to play it anymore. By about 0:00-1:00 today i uninstalled it and went to bed, after deleting all of my characters. Maybe i can bury this addiction, i sure hope so.