Today Saturday started off badly, now that i think of it it is a deja vu with a lot of other weekend day's where i woke up and just hung between a litle depressed and utterly bored, where i wasn't motivated to do a lot. I slept badly and i had the weirdest wet dream which seemed to be about self satisfaction. I re-installed an old game they call warcraft III yesterday, i played a couple of onine games with random people online and made a litle demonstration map. On the way back from work my mind began to generate a craving for this old game, it didn't take long to re-install it. I have the strangest deal with my motivation, one day i can be totally it for what i really believe to be good and the other day i just wanna do what feels good. This day was one of the latter. Yesterday while playing Warcraft III online in an intense match with someone, my father barged into the room and asked me if i wanted to go to the movies tomorrow (that is, saturday). I was heavily distracted by the game i was playing so i didn't give a lot of thought and said yes. So now i just came back from Casino Royale starring James Bond. It sure was a nice movie not many complaints there, beside that he doesn't really hold sex or marriage to be holy or anything. What stuck with me of this night was the commercial for an Xbox game, gears of war (or something). It played a melody while showing a part of a movie concerning the game (or ingame feed), dramatacizing what a character was doing. It was a really nice litle melody. I didn't listen to the singer anyway like i always do but rather to the melody.

Now that i (just) looked up the text of Mad World(mp3), i find that its not just the melody that drew me.
Gary Jules name was over it i suppose he was involved in it:
"The dreams in which im dying are the best i'v ever had"
When people run in circles, its a very very... Mad world, Mad world
I find it hard to talk with anyone, to find anyone that i think won't let me down crying for them and myself. (Not so much about what is and isn't truth, but how the points are made bare).
That brings me back to when i was depressed or just not too happy. Back in first class of middle school (after 8th class of elementary) when i didn't do my homework i would sit down and play Pokemon on my gameboy while pretending to do homework, i could put it on my lap below the desk to hide it whenever my parents checked if i was doing homework. At that time my father would often get angry and upset at me and at other times at night when i was trying to sleep, i heard him angry while i tried to sleep which upset me. I tried to come up with a perfect note to leave behind before i would leap ahead and get on with the great birth reversal. I can tell you i spent a lot of time thinking of the perfect message, but i could not find one. Not one that would be perfect if i weren't there to go alongside it.

There is one thing i might still be hiding, signs & dreams i hold to be the evidence of our dear God Jehovah that he has given me out of love, so that i CAN believe and DO have hope, in this mad world. I will write about the dreams tomorrow. Goodnight everbody

Don't just love to live, live to love.
yours truly en gard, Sander Buruma