This day i woke up like yesterday, with a computergame on my mind. What insanity, but i did give into it anyway. Re-installing like an ox to the slaughter. The game again didn't work correctly, not that i mind at the moment. I uninstalled it later again... I'm thinking of cutting up all the other computergaming CD's and DVD's, but i'm not sure if i should try & sell em instead. If i cut them up i can put them in their boxes and my parents wont notice. If i instead go and decide to sell them i will have to summon a lot of infrastructure and it will certainly not go unnoticed by my parents. Why don't i want my parents to notice?

I went to the Jehovah's Witness reading & watchtower Study™ again and as it can happen it was about meditation and how one can meditate, when and about what. It was a nice litle reading but it still bored me. The watchtower study seemed spiritually devoid, it was about showing your faith in your life or in particular Do's and Don'ts on weddings and parties. I didn't know they held parties anyway. It turns out that some Kingdom Songs™ on a low volume are good for atmosphere. I already thought they wouldn't play haevy metal, to bad. You don't overdo weddings, you don't make it a competition of who can hold the best wedding. I kind of wondered if i'd hear about placing WT magaines, i didn't.

But afterwards as it turned out i again really feel barred out from talking because of what's in my heart. My heart's full of some JW issues i can't just blabber about without significant consequences, beside that i need to get my JW child abuse documentation in order, some solid proof that the elders cant deny as lies. I'm afraid ill be confronted with their father, of which i don't know if it is God or Satan.
I was thinking of spewing out all kinds of judgements against these JW's, about how they chop the Christ Head off with WT magazines. About how they were sustaining themselves and not really trusting Jehovah. About how sad i feel that i don't feel safe with talking about Jesus. About how sad i feel, at all.
Theres this Happyville feeling you know, hang a happyface paperwall and pretend everything's okay. I can't stand JW's forevever and am finding a way to get a good closure, but what's next? What i want is very bold, bolder then my ego. VERYERY BOLD.

I want to go preaching boldly just like the apostles did, but i don't have an accomplice to do it with (yet). Neither do i see one. Should i go out alone? I don't believe in the smallscale preaching JW's do which is on average 15 Minutes a day. When i think of JW's preaching right now i think of them going out and relieving their bladders (except for the pioneers whom i at times admire). When i think of Discipleship i don't think of it as the pokerclub or the God Show JW's come up with. Simple faithfull preaching, with belief that God our Father is with us. Life, in the hand's of God with not a clue what tomorrow's evil will be. Perhaps i should start with going to some public area and reading the bible to people.