this is an e-mail i wrote to somebuddy
I suppose its a very nice one well written and a good update on what's on with me

"Hello fellow human buddy ,
I have been thinking a lot and that is perhaps most related to the challenges/problems i face mostly atleast at this moment. You see i have and am mostly been reading about everything and practically/psysically not been changing/doing a lot which is according to my lifelong habit of sitting in front a computer screen.i hope you know anything about self motivation. Another subject or challenge on my mind is probably one of the most common which is aptly summarized with a few phrases: 'fear' 'herd mentality' 'sheeple'. Don't you see? The problem i think is that fear was and still is part of my hardwiring. Typing this out to you i feel anxiety/fear. Apart from my knowledge there isn't a lot applied knowledge. I haven't done a lot (altough i have made a few free hugs signs will go out with to the city square tomorrow). It's the fear of condemnation which i think makes me feel horrible about communicating my situation to you and in turn has prevented me from communicating to you up to now (you know the calender says its only a few weeks but it feels like its been half a year). I suppose the fear of condemnation started a long time ago when i didn't do what i didn't want to do and was told would be my undoing.

Reality seems to be reality of infinite choices: a choice to keep on learning, a choice to go to bed in time, a choice to fast, a choice to get in shape, a choice to be ordinary and a choice to be comfy.
A choice to go for a swim (in the water just in front of my garden) and exhaust my body a bit knowing my body will adapt and get in better shape. Now you know i'm not alone out here. What will my neighbours think? Without thinking of it a part presumes "something" bad will happen. Another part causes more anxiety and doubt up to the point of going for a single bloody swim. What would my neighbours think? What are they gonna say to my family? What would my family in turn do? For some reason i care too much what they think me and i can't figure out why, what the hell? At this point the peer pressure thing all boils down to my father mostly, because whatever he really doesn't like about me he yells at me for it which for me feels like being beaten into submission. So far i have not resisted his angry yelling. I don't have confidence in the motivational skills of anyone i know the face of. And whatever i do i still have a hard time adequatly explaining why i do what i do to anyone, probably because i want to explain everything so that people accept it which might be impossible. At this point i feel the need for a friend i have never observed anywhere, none like me. "they" seem to be there and distant for all the wrong reasons simultaneously (is that a brick in my throat?).

All this horrible this is my life speak reminds me of something i posted on the forums which is the law of attraction of which i am sure "the secret" movie causes a lot of misinformation about. I don't suppose anyone is different in that they want their dreams realised. The law of attraction think does have me trying to think and talk more positively (such as imagining/seeing people smiling and being loving/loveable, Imagining a kind of paradise the garden of eden type, "hello fellow human buddy") which i suppose is active hope. This think has me at times trying to avoid bad words such as the opposite of love, hope and joy (and ofcourse not swearing/cursing). Trying to realise everything in what is coined as my imagination.

I still wonder if trying to be funny is a good thing. Wt do yu tk?

I tk so mh my bn fl ot