• I'm going to go and live on my own so i can work on my health without the supervision of my parents with their modern and orthodox lifestyle and mentality. I think i'll still have to face some confrontations with my therapists with their modernly educated form of knowledge or the illusion thereof. In particular related to diet (and one of em thinks i might freeze to death if i keep up cycling around in just jeans, a shirt and no shoes near freezing temperature). I am contemplating two choices as related to this matter. The one is that i just drop them totally and cut all contact and the second is i try to convince that they'v got the problem and i don't (the 'insane' convincing others that he is in fact sane and others are not). The third last resort option would be to go to some 'jungle' (unadultrated wild nature) and hope nature has mercy on my soul or to find some kind of primitive tribe in such setting that would accept me and allow me to live in accordance with nature.
  
• Lately i am growing more and more, stirred or alarmed. That kind of feeling of impeding danger perhaps? I don't know but i think this may be related to this war of terror that our western society is waging, taking many of our freedoms and increasing superstition and an unnatural phobia of whatever is controversial and unkown? My parents want me to work, but i am opposed to that. I feel that society has first destroyed that which we need for independance and then enslaves us so that we may afterwards still sustain ourselves? A concept so hard to grasp, substantiate and explain. It's just so many things in my life. Everyone i know plans their whole life ahead of themselves, but i strive to live by my intuition on a day to day basis. Or to use a theologically correct phrase, by "the holy spirit" or "divine guidance". When forced to ellaborate on this, i have the feeling of impeding danger of being labeled with labels that have consequences not unlike that of the labels of a witch, terrorist, insane. Thats one fear, one hell of a big fear.I realize that this is not at all scaring the hell out of me. It is scaring the hell into me.Then i have another idea, beside intuition. Which can be ellaborated by Jesus' tree parable. Good trees do not bear bad fruit and rotten trees do not produce formidable fruit. So simply put, because civilization is producing the destruction of nature and is creating ever destructive weapons(/fruit) it is rotten. This may seem so hard to grasp for everyone i know offline, but is true absolutely as i am seeing by everything that i learn and experience every day.And also ignorance in all its forms is evil (destructive/bad). Basicly if every (modern orthodox human being) presupposes (is ignorant of) evidence for what is presupposed, it is 'evil' and false.Another idea/mindset i have is that i strive not to judge anyone at all. (I think that it get's bad enough when we judge ourselves already, so we ought not to make it worse by also judging others.) This basicly expresses itself by giving others all the options and to be frank/honest and not living to have the biggest wallet when you die.
  
• (If someone say's "well, to be honest..." considder the implications of what that person just said. If someone uses that particular phrase that is a clear sign that that person is not usually honest, because he just made that special announcement that the next statement will be honost, which implies that everyone not announced in such manner might not be honest. Likewise one should be scared silly if they notice themselves expressing this phrase)
  
• I attended a 10 day vipassana course during this turn of the year and that confirmed many things and taught me new things. Such as that worry leads to suffering and that worry by itself has almost no good valuable reason for its existance. The same for aversion/affection (sankaras) as one those things by themselves can only produce misery. One doesn't need either one to survive, instead affection robs you of your will to live when its object goes away as does hate/aversion when the hated object comes closer. Neither offset these cons with a greater reward if the affection comes closer or the aversion further away. As one naturally delights when good comes closer wether you craved/had an affection for it or not and the same when the abominable comes closer you'll feel what it does to you wether you hated it or not. In another way aversion/affection are bad because they amplify a natural need to unnatural levels to points where humans commit inhuman acts (will eat for babies for food or rather dying then facing that which they fear, which is usually hardly as bad as it was feared to be.)And also that the first victim of all sin is the sinner him or herself and that therefor all sin is suicidal as by definition sin is evil and evil destruction and opposed to god/theholyspirit/creativespirit/soul.(i'v got preachy... i quess)
  Sooo... right now i live with my parents, in a couple of weeks i'll live in a place of my own on my own, with maybe a dutch curezone friend at a later point where i intend to Orange Juice fast. While i live and have lived with my parents i'v been on a diet of bread/fruit and warm cooked meals at 6pm invariably of green vegetables, potatoes and occasionaly some types of grain like rice/macaroni. I think any more significant deviation from the norm in the 6pm meals will lead to some significant confrontations (at least) with therapists/mymom on one side and myself on the other.I wash the dishes with my parents after these meals, and the part of the dishes which were used for their meats and animal products are 'freaking me out' while i wash them. An experience not unlike what i associate with guilt or being accessary to injustice. Everything i see feels more surreal every day and this intertwines with my feeling/intuition of impeding danger. I feel i'm entering some kind frenzied state, it's almost a wonder by itself that nobody hears my mind rattling in my skull as madly as it does. Atleast nobody mentioned it to me.